The Possibility of Up

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It hasn’t been a great time for me lately, but if some things that it seems are going to work out will in fact work out, then I think a lot could change in the next few months. I’m not a fan of baseless optimism, but in this case, the circumstances are such that it would take an unreasonable amount of bad luck to mess it upnot that I’m a stranger to unreasonable amounts of bad luckbut that’s where the optimism comes in.

A coworker is retiring next May, and her position is the one I’ve had my eye on for the past two years. At one time it was basically guaranteed I would get the job; now I have competition, but I’m still pretty sure I’ll be the one to get it. And if I do, that will be it. That will be the thing that makes this all work.

It will be full-time, so I will be able to have health insurance againand I won’t have to take the pay cut that I did when I left for the last full-time job I had. It will mean that my employment will finally start counting toward the ten years in public service that would allow me to get any student loans I have remaining at the time waived. It will mean that I can afford to start addressing my mental health issues, which is major. And it will mean that the city will offer tuition reimbursement, so I can afford to go to school again. I’ll be able to finally finish my poor patchwork bachelor’s degree, and use that to start working on the Masters that will, theoretically, free us to move anywhere we want.

I’ve been dying to get out of Texas for years now, and if I’m honest with myself, this will mean I’m stuck here for at least another two years, if not more. There’s a part of me that really hates that. But if those two or three years can be spent actively bettering my situation (as opposed to the Purgatory the last eight years have been), especially if they can make life a little more comfortable in the meantimeI can deal with that. I’ve never been a particularly positive person, and I don’t do Positive Thinking. I need to have a reason to hope. But that’s all I needa reason. If I have that, I can put up with almost anything.

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